justcycling.myfastforum.org

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:17 pm Post subject:

A Lady golfer comes running into the club room.
'Help' she shouts 'I've been stung by a bee !'

Where were you stung ? 'asks the club profesional,

'Between the 1st and 2nd hole' she says

The pro responds ' Then your stance is too wide !'

------------------------------------------------

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do
you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes, he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two of them," he answered.

_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 1:26 pm Post subject:

Another Blonde joke

Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

.

**********************************************************************
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

kathy · Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 4:29 pm Post subject:

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns.

"ASK MIKE"

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore..

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

--------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it20could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Mike
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 8:18 pm Post subject:

kathy · Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:37 pm Post subject:

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough"
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:20 am Post subject:

I wish my Tom Tom had an "Avoid Birmingham" routing option.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the pavement.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in..

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goolies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

TomTom really needs to start their directions on on my satnav. I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty.. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate Caravanners.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your National Insurance number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered take-away. When I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:00 pm Post subject:

A friend (male) sent me this today!

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle...
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Cool

Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
1 Cool

Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
2 Cool

Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer...
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
3 Cool

Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

mr shifter · Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:42 pm Post subject:

I don't know if you have had this one that I recieved as an email.

_________________
It's all Publicity "Money" and Cycling is only a Thread it runs along.

kathy · Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:47 pm Post subject:

A really awful joke

TWO PRAWNS

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,

and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

…………………………………………………..>
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

…………………………………………………….>

.
.
.
.
.

'I've found Cod. I'm a

Prawn again Kristian'
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

mr shifter · Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:37 pm Post subject:

HuwB · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 8:26 am Post subject:

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.

MAILLOT JAUNE · Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 1189

_________________
"I trust no-body, not even myself"

kathy · Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:00 pm Post subject:

This one really made me laugh!

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned
St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But
Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been
forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam
consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start
with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a
year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing
Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and
when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some
considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked
if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with
the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that
indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that
figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the
second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a
total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to
consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked
away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow
the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question
absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the
easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you
arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till
his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

What's worse ... you're now singing it to yourself!

_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

kathy · Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:38 am Post subject:

If you don't want to read a really awful joke, don't read this!

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'

'...ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say:

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze...

.

.

.

.

Four-sprung Duck technique

AUDI UBER ALLES!?
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:32 pm Post subject:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work, they discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:32 am Post subject:

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a shag."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

---------------------------------------------------------

You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

--------------------------------------

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said 'ship her home'.

Shocked, the undertaker asked 'but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?'

The husband replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !'

-------------------------------------------

A muslim was sat next to an Australian on an aeroplane. After the plane had taken off the air hostess came over and asked for drinks orders. The Australian orders a 'Jack Daniels' and coke. The air hostess asks the muslim if he too would like a drink ? Looking at the Australians drink, the muslim replies in disgust 'Id rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and had my head shoved up a sheeps ars ehole, than let liquor pass my lips !' The Aussie passes the drink back to the air hostess and says 'Strewth, I didn't know we had a choice !'

-------------------------------------------

A blonde goes to the super market. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times, a man approaches her and asks if she is having a problem. She tells him no.

He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzled and asks her for an explanation.

She goes through the motions saying: "One head of lettuce, 2 ears of corn, 2 breasts of chicken, and food for my pussycat."
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:20 pm Post subject:

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Biosphere · Joined: 08 Oct 2006 Posts: 1787 Location: Midlands, UK

Would have made more sense to post this before the event, but I only got it this morning and it cheered my morning up Laughing

http://irishsoccerinsider.wordpre...irish-fall-out-over-box-incident/

Ralphnorman · Joined: 20 May 2007 Posts: 3962 Location: Dundee

That's amazing Laughing

_________________
www.stirlingbikeclub.org.uk

kathy · Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:19 pm Post subject:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late & raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog... Dazed, he looks over and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes then a small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in and an older man comes down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have mislet you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.... the Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry but you really should've seen that one coming)

What did you expect...it's free from a demented old friend on the Internet.

_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)