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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 945


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:06 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."


Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!

Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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SlowRower



Joined: 22 Nov 2006
Posts: 5008


Location: 62 West Wallaby Street, Wigan

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 4:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man goes into the cafe at Tesco and orders a burger. The waitress asks if he wants anything on it, to which he replies "£5 each way, please."
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JohnD



Joined: 17 Sep 2007
Posts: 668


Location: Iver, Bucks, UK

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From Twitter:

So Lance Armstrong has finally admitted what we all knew. Your move, John Travolta.
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Slapshot 3
Site Admin


Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 6587


Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
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Don't give a damn about the peripheral shit anymore....just let me see some good bike racing
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Slapshot 3
Site Admin


Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 6587


Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's been a while......

A boy asks his mother for breakfast immediately after waking up. She says, "After you feed the animals."

The boy went outside but didn't feel like feeding the chickens. So he kicks the chicken. He did the same to the cow and the pig.

The boy then goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. The mother replies, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy, beaming widely, says, "Mum, will you tell him or should I?"

----------------------------------------

It was a beautiful spring morning, and a couple from the city decide to enjoy a day in the countryside, so set off for a drive in the car.  As they drive down an idyllic country lane, they are surprised to see a small girl struggling to pull a huge, very stubborn bull along the road.  The animal was calm, and not posing any danger, but even with the traditional ring through its nose, it had no intention of responding to the girl's attempts to move it.

The couple pulled their car over, appalled at such a blatant case of inappropriate child labour.  As the window whirred down, the wife asked, "What are you doing, trying to move such a large animal?"
"It's the breeding season missus," the girl replied, "so I'm bringing the bull down to the cows to get them in calf."
"Can your father not do that?" the townies continued, in their most patronising tone.
"No," sighed the little girl, "it has to be the bull."
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Slapshot 3
Site Admin


Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 6587


Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
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An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Don't give a damn about the peripheral shit anymore....just let me see some good bike racing
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 945


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2015 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.

The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers.

One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.

There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is, little Tommy.
“Tommy, why do you look so sad?” asked the teacher

Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: “My Dad’s a stripper in a gay bar”.

The other children remained silent, as Tommy continued:
“Sometimes, he doesn’t come home, and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes, he sells his body for other men’s pleasure.”

There were gasps around the classroom. The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.

She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders, and asked: “Is all that true, Tommy?”

“No, not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say that"


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