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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12847


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:49 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?

Just like Travel Insurance you have to have the Correct Insurance for sex.

Hope you find the list of companies below helpful they cover most tastes:


Sex with your spouse - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone different - Go Compare.

Sex with a fat person - More Than.

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh person - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
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Fontfroide



Joined: 07 Apr 2008
Posts: 6062


Location: Herault, France

PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A friend sent me these, couldn't think where else to put them.

For those who remember the late lamented comedian Tommy Cooper, you might enjoy these ‘cooperisms’ (thank you Dave C)

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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berck
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Joined: 09 Oct 2006
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Location: SF Bay Area

PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not sure if this one's been shared before...

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of Celibacy...
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berck
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Location: SF Bay Area

PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

“Actually, I have two questions:

First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, what the heck happened to Walter?"
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
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Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12847


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In case you hadn't gurssed , my joke provider has just surfaced again!

   

    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

   Jeremy Paxman:
   

   What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

   Contestant:
   

   Homosexuals.

   Jeremy Paxman:
   

   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

   Jamie Theakston:
   

   Where do you think Cambridge University is?

   Contestant:
   

   Geography isn't my strong point.

   Jamie Theakston:
   

   There's a clue in the title.

   Contestant:
   

   Leicester

   
   

   
   

   

     


   BBC NORFOLK

   Stewart White:
   

   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

   Contestant:
   

   I don't know.

   Stewart White:
   

   I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

   Contestant:
   

   Arm

   Stewart White:
   

   Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

   Contestant:
   

   Strong.

   Stewart White:
   

   Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

   Contestant:
   

   Louis

   Stewart White:
   

   Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

   Contestant:
   

   Frank Sinatra?

     

   LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

   Alex Trelinski:
   

   What is the capital of Italy ?

   Contestant:
   

   France.

   Trelinski:
   

   France is another country. Try again.

   Contestant:
   

   Oh, um, Benidorm.

   Trelinski:
   

   Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

   Contestant:
   

   Sorry, I don't know.

   Trelinski:
   

   Just guess a country then.

   Contestant:
   

   Paris.

     

   THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

   Anne Robinson:
   

   Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

   Contestant:
   

   The Conservative Party.

     

   BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

   DJ Mark:
   

   For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

   Ruth from Rowley Regis:
   

   I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

     

   UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

   Bamber Gascoyne:
   

   What was Gandhi's first name?

   Contestant:
   

   Goosey?

     

   GWR FM ( Bristol )

   Presenter:
   

   What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

   Contestant:
   

   I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

     

   PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )

   Phil:
   

   What's 11 squared?

   Contestant:
   

   I don't know.

   Phil:
   

   I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

   Contestant:
   

   Is it five?

     

   RICHARD AND JUDY

   Richard:
   

   Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

   Contestant:
   

   Forrest Gump.

     

   RICHARD AND JUDY

   Richard:
   

   On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

   Contestant:
   

   Er. ... ...

   Richard:
   

   He makes bread . . .

   Contestant:
   

   Er .. .....

   Richard:
   

   He makes cakes . . .

   Contestant:
   

   Kipling Street?

     

   LINCS FM PHONE-IN

   Presenter:
   

   Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

   Contestant:
   

   Barcelona.

   Presenter:
   

   I was really after the name of a country.

   Contestant:
   

   I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

     

   NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

   Question:
   

   What is the world's largest continent?

   Contestant:
   

   The Pacific.

     

   ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

   Presenter:
   

   Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

   Contestant:
   

   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

     

   THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

   Steve Le Fevre:
   

   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

   Contestant:
   

   Magna Carta?

     

   JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

   James O'Brien:
   

   How many kings of England have been called Henry?

   Contestant:
   

   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

     


   CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

   Chris Searle:
   

   In which European country is Mount Etna ?

   Caller:
   

   Japan.

   Chris Searle:
   

   I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

   Caller:
   

   Er ......... Mexico ?

     

   PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

   Paul Wappat:
   

   How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

   Contestant (long pause):
   

   Fourteen days.

     

   DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

   Daryl Denham:
   

   In which country would you spend shekels?

   Contestant:
   

   Holland?

   Daryl Denham:
   

   Try the next letter of the alphabet.

   Contestant:
   

   Iceland? Ireland ?

   Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
   

   It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

   Contestant:
   

   No.

     

   PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

   Phil Wood:
   

   What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

   Contestant:
   

   Er.... .... ..

   Phil Wood:
   

   It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

   Contestant:
   

   Blimey?

   Phil Wood:
   

   Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

   Contestant:
   

   (Silence)

   Phil Wood:
   

   OK, try it another way.. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

   Contestant:
   

   Walked?

     

   THE VAULT

   Melanie Sykes:
   

   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

   Contestant:
   

   Nostalgia.

     

   LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

   Presenter:
   

   What religion was Guy Fawkes?

   Contestant:
   

   Jewish.

   Presenter:
   

   That's close enough.

     

   STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

   Wright:
   

   Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

   Contestant:
   

   Jesus
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"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12847


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2012 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, Nolte, Gerry - and others....

Irish Jokes

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2  years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says  "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the  shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Nolte



Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Posts: 6678


Location: irlande

PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2012 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

don't worry, we're thick skinned
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gerry12ie



Joined: 08 Jul 2009
Posts: 5147


Location: Dublin

PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2012 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did I tell you about my recurring dream about Gloria Gaynor?  Most nights she appears at the bottom of the bed singing 'I Will Survive'.  I'm kind of used to it now but at first I was afraid...
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Slapshot 3
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Joined: 06 Oct 2006
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Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A gentleman called a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "this is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.It read:"
For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million quid in my Bank account..
BUT not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off...

Send the bottle back!"

------------------------------------

A local thief who the police have been after for years last week was arrested after stealing a combine harvester.

He is expected to be bailed tomorrow.

---------------------------------------

Paddy takes his stuffed dog to the Antiques Road Show for a valuation.

The expert asks him what he thinks it would fetch, were it in perfect condition.

"Sticks" replies Paddy

--------------------------------------

Too often we lose sight of life"s simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only four to extend your arm and smack the B@stard!

--------------------------------------------------
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease."Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?""
Yep, Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?""Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what"s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?""And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?""
Mr. Brown, that"s interesting, but what"s the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I"m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn"t you go mad, too?"
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Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says,
"I know we"ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don"t want you to try to talk me out of it, I"ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he"s a much better lover than you."
Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." I speed up again, and I"m now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too." I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too."
I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?"So I respond with, "no thanks, I"ve got everything I need."
She asks, "what"s that then?"Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say,

"I"ve got the airbag."

-----------------------------------------------

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor"s for a medical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "oh, me and God? We"re close We have a real bond, he"s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the loo, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man"s wife and said, "I"d like to speak to you about your husband"s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the toilet, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "that idiot, he"s been p!ssing in the fridge again!"

-----------------------------------

I was shocked when I discovered my friend had a huge crack addiction.



I caught him in a threesome with Vanessa Feltz and Dawn French.

-------------------------------------

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

We haven't even swept together!!

And the best man says :
"Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around" !
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Recipe for Vodka Christmas cake

Once again this year I've had requests for my vodka Christmas cake recipe so here goes. Please keep it in your files as I'm beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!)
1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1tsp baking powder, 1 cup water, 1tsp salt, 1cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, nuts, 1....bottle vodka, 2 cups dried fruit, 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality, then repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it's best to make sure the vodka is still ok. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin window. Finish off the vodka and wipe the worktop with the feckin cat.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
_____________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints made during the season


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was  disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.   The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure states: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.
     We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people.  The receptionist speaks Spanish.  The food is Spanish.  Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


They walk amongst us and they vote!!!
            Be afraid! Be very afraid!
=
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
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Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, George and I went into
town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.   George called him
an a--hole. He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So I called him a s--t head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived so we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.
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kathy



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Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seems like politicians the world over are all the same economical with the truth.






Remus Rudd


No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is funny... and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.

Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'


So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.


Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad..

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force.  In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW That's how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, I've heard a different version of the same story... Smile

An amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

In Hillary's Family History, her staff of professional image consultants, cropped Remus's picture, scanned it in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot.

The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nelson at Trafalgar 2012
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health & Safety again, sir. We must provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health & Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 6:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in
a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My
panties as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep
it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then you can have it for free, like everything immigrants get".


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