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PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:06 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh!t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

-------------------------------
"Redneck" Joke

A man from New York was driving through the deep South and accidentally struck two black men walking down the road. One flew up in through the windshield and the other flew out into a cotton patch.

The man dialed 911 and by the time the local sheriff arrived the man was in a near panic. "What happens now?" the man asked.

The sheriff surveys the area and says "Well... that one over there we can get for leaving the scene of an accident, and this one over here we'll get for breaking and entering."
------------------------------------

If Santa Answered His Letters Honestly.....makes you feel warm and fuzzy ...

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in Bin-emptying. How about I send you a book so that you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*********************************************

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, I bet! Santa

*********************************************

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mother, who fleeces him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead. Santa

*********************************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some Nike trainers, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

*********************************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and biscuits for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of malt Whisky. Santa
*********************************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a villa in Spain where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.... I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the bums of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cards table. Well,, you wanted to know. Santa
*********************************************

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

*********************************************

Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a jumper again. Santa

*********************************************

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent Council flat . Third, I get inside your place just like the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Ooo! Sweet dreams, Santa
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her
husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
... The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into
5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we
could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?
His wife said crying, yes, I remember that jewelry store!!
He said, well, I'm in the bar next to it..........
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alert states
In light of the season and the possible terrorist threat, Europe and the civilised world have reviewed their current statuses.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The three higher levels in France are "Surrender", "Capitualate" and Collaborate The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have reacted and raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the B@st@rds." Scots don't need or require any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.  Wink  Wink
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.










Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many
Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same
three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up.

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules
of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the a***.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apparantly there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love it!  I've sent it to the guy who sends me most of my jokes Laughing
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Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.  When asked his occupation,  Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher ..  I  sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious..    He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer.
"You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full.

Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f**k was that?"

--------------------------------

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

-----------------------------------------

I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over the microphone lead and yelled "f*ck me"

----------------------------------------------

I got thrown out of a casino last night.... Apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one deserves a post of it's very own......

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence...

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied,  "Been married to your sister for 58 years."
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2012 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Apologies to my fellow Scots, but thought this was a goodun!
The Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but  I now have Scottish blood in my       veins".
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One for Slapshot, Ullrichfan, MJ- et al...

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally Margaret looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' … perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two then turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and Margaret spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts Tom." Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's noo about time for a wee cuddle." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." Margaret blushed, then took his hand and placed it on her knee. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before Margaret spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom" Tom glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?' said Margaret in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said Tom, nodding. Margaret looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kathy wrote:
One for Slapshot, Ullrichfan, MJ- et al...

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally Margaret looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' … perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two then turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and Margaret spoke again, "Another penny for your thoughts Tom." Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's noo about time for a wee cuddle." Margaret blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom." "Well, uh, I was thinking' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." Margaret blushed, then took his hand and placed it on her knee. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before Margaret spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Tom" Tom glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?' said Margaret in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said Tom, nodding. Margaret looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"



yeah yeah....... Rolling Eyes
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Sooty



Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 4913


Location: Dear old Blighty

PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does anybody know any good jokes about the Welsh?  

Sorry Kathy, I just couldn't resist!
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 945


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sooty wrote:
Does anybody know any good jokes about the Welsh?  

Sorry Kathy, I just couldn't resist!


posted this about two years ago, but no harm in repeating....

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the
villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*@kin liar"

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Slapshot 3
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Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 6587


Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa."I'm Marathon man, the one the nuts" he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs & slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his Sherbert Dib Dab started to itch.

Turns out that Miss Rowntree, the naughty Malteaser had been with Bertie Bassett & he's got Allsorts.....
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Slapshot 3
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Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 6587


Location: Scotland

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together,
she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 945


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Slapshot 3 wrote:
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa."I'm Marathon man, the one the nuts" he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs & slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his Sherbert Dib Dab started to itch.

Turns out that Miss Rowntree, the naughty Malteaser had been with Bertie Bassett & he's got Allsorts.....


Ahhh... that's sweet! (sorry, shall I get my coat.... again!)
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12904


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ventoux wrote:
Sooty wrote:
Does anybody know any good jokes about the Welsh?  

Sorry Kathy, I just couldn't resist!


posted this about two years ago, but no harm in repeating....

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the
villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*@kin liar"


Ventoux, I've heard that joke before, but with one difference.  The villager wasn't Welsh - he was Irish Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

Hi, Sooty - how are you?
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 945


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kathy wrote:

Ventoux, I've heard that joke before, but with one difference.  The villager wasn't Welsh - he was Irish Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  


Ah now, we may have reputations for all sorts of things, but you lot are way in the lead when it comes to unnatural relationships with our ovine friends.. Wink  Wink  Laughing  Laughing


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