justcycling.myfastforum.org

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:41 am Post subject:

Best Divorce Letter Ever. (could loosely be offensive... Rolling Eyes

)

Dear Connie,
I know the councillor said we shouldn't contact each other during the "cooling off" period but I couldn't wait any longer.

The day you left I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking, still, I never wanted to be first to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who came crawling back, I guess my pride needed that. But now I see my pride's cost me a lot of things, I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore, I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says, "There's no one quite like you Connie, I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see but they're not you. They are not even close.

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Hooters and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you but to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, about 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and a childhood spent ice skating could give you. I mean, just the perfect body, tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right??

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives, it's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed, well in this case oh yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does it make her a better person than my averagely attractive Connie? I doubt it. I never thought of that before, I don't know, maybe I'm finally growing up a little.

Later after I'd tossed half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?", It wasn't just her flawless technique or slutty, shameless hunger but something else, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And them it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus Connie, I'm going crazy without you and everything I do reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the Holiday Inn Lounge last year? Well she dropped by last week with a big pan of Lasagne. She said she figured I wouldn't be eating properly without a woman around. I didn't know what she really meant until later, but that's not the real story. Anyway we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know is we're banging away in our old bedroom. This tart's a total monster in the sack, she's giving me everything, you know, like a proper woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career or whether the neighbours can hear or not. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmothers old vanity table. She puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. It's totally hot but it makes me sad because I can't help thinking, "we've had this old Vanity thing for 14 years, why has Connie never put the mirror on the floor, why has she never used it as a sex toy.

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of advice about you and women in general. She's really pulling for us to get back together, Connie she really is.

So we were having a couple of shots of tequila in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this 19 year old girl with the same DNA as you and all I can think of is how much she looks like you when you were 19. It just about makes me cry. Then it turns out that Vicki is really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you to try it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But you know even then when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can think about is you Connie. It's true Connie, in your heart you must know it. Do you think we could start over? Just wipe away all the grievances and start afresh, I think we can. If you think so too please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote control is.

Love always

Mike

_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:45 am Post subject:

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

ventoux · Joined: 09 Oct 2006 Posts: 475 Location: Ireland

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:54 am Post subject:

Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are having a relaxing stroll in the woods when suddenly they find themselves lost. After about an hour of trying to find their way back they are kidnapped by a tribe of cannibals. They take the three guys to their cannibal leader.

The leader says to them "You must do as I say or else you will be instantly killed. Understand?"

The three guys nodded.

"Your first task: Go out into the forest and collect ten items of the same fruit. Go!"

So the three guys run off into the forest in search of fruit. The Englishman comes back with ten apples.

"Your second task, complete this and you shall be set free: You must shove your fruit up your butt without any facial expression or noise, start." So the Englishman starts with his task. Two apples in, he winces and is killed.

The Scotsman returns to the tribe with ten berries and is told to do the same task. Eight berries in, he bursts out laughing and is killed. The two guys meet in heaven and the Englishman says.

"Dude! Why did you laugh?! You nearly did it!"

"I couldn't help myself." said the Scotsman, “I saw Paddy coming back with Pineapples.”

------------------------------------------------------

A man comes down to breakfast one morning to find his wife dressed in stockings and suspenders and all her lacey finery.

She says, “take me big boy I’m all yours”

They have sex on the kitchen floor and when finished the man says, “fantastic, what was all that about”

“Egg timer’s broken”…
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:55 am Post subject:

A man comes home raging one night.
His wifes asks him "what's wrong with you?" and he replies "I was down the pub there and I overheard our milkman boasting that he's shagged every woman in this street except one".
"That 'll be that snooty bitch at number 22", his wife replied.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

These notes were left in milk bottles.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Dear milkman I have just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

Please do not leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I have been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I did not mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

----------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a library and is approached by a blonde librarian. '' Do you have Great Expectations?'' he asks her.
'' Yes one day I hope to work on the front desk and get my own parking space''.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Two footballers get out off their car and accidentally lock the keys inside.
Wayne says to Dave, “we could get a coat hanger and try to unlock it or prise the door open .”
'' Well whatever we do, we had better hurry up - it's starting to rain and the roof's still down on the car.''
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 4:29 pm Post subject:

Little Boy Blue,
please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet
and ruined her clothes.

You sprayed Mother Hubbard
and now she is sick.
You put out the fire
on Jack's candle stick.

Your sneeze is the reason
why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle
when he came to town.

The blind mice are angry!
The sheep are upset!
From now on use tissues
so no one gets wet!

--------------------------------------------

Two Buck rabbits came across a row of Does that were nibbling lettuce along a wire fence
One Buck said "I`ll start at this end and I`ll meet you in the middle"
Off they went "Thankyou mam, thankyou mam, thankyou mam, thank--- Oooops, sorry Sam"
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 6:45 pm Post subject:

A wife looking in the mirror told her husband "I am ugly. Can you say anything to make me feel better?"

Her husband replied, "Yes you have good eyesight!"

----------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "Your sense of humour."

---------------------------------------

New wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which
primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as ........

Pinot More

-----------------------------------------------

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at were the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen, which had a sign attached that said, ''This bull mated 150 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

----------------------------------------------------

Mick opens Paddy's fridge and says ''Why do you always keep an empty bottle of milk in here Paddy ?''

Paddy replies ''In case someone wants a black coffee.''.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 3:34 am Post subject:

Farmer wakes up to find his cows are all frozen. While standing and wondering what to do, a little old lady approaches him and says " What's the matter, you look worried".
Farmer tells her that all of his cows are frozen. She tells him she can solve his problem and promptly climbs the fence into the field and starts to rub the nearest cow's nose. After a couple of minutes, the cow comes around and is back to normal. She proceeds to rub the noses of the rest of his herd with the same results.
The farmer can't believe his eyes and rushes off to tell his wife - "All our cows were frozen a while ago, but some little old lady came along, rubbed all of their noses and they all recovered !!! Ah, says the wife, you know who that was don't you.

No says the farmer…

Thora Hird

----------------------------------------------

I was chopping carrots with the grim reaper last night.

thats right i was dicing with death!!

--------------------------------------------------

A guy has just had a sex change op. His best mate comes to visit,' how are you' ? he asks .

'Well ' he says 'I'm ok but it was REALLY painfull' 'I bet I know what the worst part was' replies the mate, ' I bet it was when they cut off your testicles and turned your scrotum inside out , to make your artificial pussy 'Well , 'the reply 'that was really bad, but it was still not the worst'

'Then it must have been when they cut your chest open to put your fake boobs in !' says his mate. 'No !,that was bad as well , but it still wasn't the worst' the patient replies.
'I give up then 'says the mate, 'Nothing could be worse than that, what was it?'
'It was the bit when they made my mouth twice the size but took half my brain away!!'
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 3:35 am Post subject:

A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book titled 'Strange but true sexual facts'
'Interesting' he asks.
'Yes' she replies, 'for instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and a Scotsman has the thickest!' 'Oh I'm sorry, she said, 'my name is Helen and yours?'
'Tonto McTavish love'

---------------------------

A top British scientist has invented a bra that stops t!ts
bobbing up and down & Nipples from sticking out in the cold.

His colleages have kicked his fucking head in!

-------------------------------

I was standing in a pub minding my own business when I happened to glance round and see a bloke with a steering wheel stuck down the front of his trousers.

I was so surprised, I just blurted out "what's with the steering wheel" ?
The bloke just turned and said “ I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts.”

-----------------------------------------------

Paul McCartney bought Heather a new wooden leg for Xmas and hid it in a cupboard.
As luck would have it, Heather found it and asked Paul if it was her Xmas present, but Paul assured her that it wasn't her main present, it was just a stocking filler!

---------------------------------------------------

Little boy playing with his train, his mum overhears him say 'all you bastards getting off, fuck off. All you bastards getting on, fucking hurry up'.
Mum sends him to his room for 2 hours untill he learns to be nice to the passengers.
When he starts playing again 2 hours later, mum hears him say, 'those disembarking mind the step & have a nice day, those boarding enjoy your journey & those upset about the 2 hour delay, blame the fucking fat bitch in the kitchen'.

--------------------------------------------

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit Creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," boomed the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed, and then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:43 am Post subject:

Slaggy senga fell in love,
She planned to marry joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her faither so.

Faither told her, senga doll,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yer maw don't know,
But joe is yur half brither.

So senga put aside her joe
And planned to marry wull.
But after telling faither this,
He said, 'there's trouble still.'

You canny marry wull, my doll,
And please don't tell yur mither.
But will and joe, and several merr
I know is yur half brither.

But mither knew and said, my doll,
Just do what makes ye happy.
Marry will or marry joe;
Cos faithers no your daddy !!!

-----------------------------------------

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said.

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

--------------------------------------

The mother of Caster Semenya, women's 800m world champion has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test .

She said "This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter"

----------------------------------------

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

The couple gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later, the little old lady came to visit the travel agent's shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"Well," said the old woman, "the flight was exciting and the room was truly lovely. and I have come to thank you for it. But," she added, "one thing has been puzzling me -- who was that old man I had to share the
room with?"
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:27 pm Post subject:

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred , he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

"Ryanair check-in Glasgow"
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:18 pm Post subject:

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can
you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said,

"Burrr gurrr king."
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

kathy · Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 8:00 pm Post subject:

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:04 pm Post subject:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ....

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Spoo · Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 286 Location: Oxford

Hedgehogs..................................................Why can't they share the hedge?
_________________
It is better to try to the utmost, fail and be visible rather than wait and hope

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 9:02 am Post subject:

A man ia queueing at the 5 items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a 4 pack of lager and an Indian meal for 1. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a half bottle of Lambrini and a Chinese meal for 1.

He says to her "You're single aren't you?"

She gives a girly giggle and says "Yes, how do you know?"

The man replies "Coz you're an ugly bitch"
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 2:24 pm Post subject:

Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapses in ecstasy.

About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 8:12 pm Post subject:

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:58 pm Post subject:

berck · Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 4:51 pm Post subject:

A new high tech “virtual” supermarket opened in southern Michigan .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.