justcycling.myfastforum.org

MAILLOT JAUNE · Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 1189

Nice one Kathy - I'll be using them on my mates! Laughing

_________________
"I trust no-body, not even myself"

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 7:11 am Post subject:

A man had an IQ of 168 and he was finding it really difficult to make friends with normal people, so he went to see what his doctor could do for him. As luck would have it, the Doc had just purchased an amazing new machine that could shrink the size of the human brain. He strapped him into the contraption and flipped the switch. Just at that moment the telephone rang and the doctor went to answer it.

Five minutes later he came back and realized he'd forgotten about the genius he'd strapped into the machine. "Oh my god!" he cried as he switched off the power. A quick test revealed the IQ of the man had been reduced to 1.

"Speak to me, say something - anything!" screamed the doctor.

Eventually, in a deep Neanderthal type voice the guy grunted "RAIN".

"Come on, come on, say something else - are you all right?" implored the Doc.

Again, all the man could grunt was "RAIN"

"What is it, what are you trying to say?" asked the doctor.

"RANGERS!"

-------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,
"Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Young School Children Writing about the Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.

4) A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.

5) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.

6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.

7) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a ******' towel" .
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 10:25 am Post subject:

kathy · Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 6:31 pm Post subject:

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

Biosphere · Joined: 08 Oct 2006 Posts: 1787 Location: Midlands, UK

Samuel Johnson has taken to tweeting

My favour'd iPhone Applickations are the Highwayman Detector & the Exchange betwixt English POUNDS & Spanish DUCATS

http://twitter.com/drsamueljohnson

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:27 pm Post subject:

Following on from Biosphere's Idea

Twitter through the ages

@Archimedes – What do you mean when you got in all the water jumped out?

@Caeser – can we have lunch at the senate tomorrow?
@Brutus – ides of March, yeah nothing planned

@mrsNewton – happily sitting eating lunch when an apple fell on my head

@MrsTell – Mum dad says he can shoot an apple off my head

@lordnelson – you can kid on you’re dying all you like, I told you last night I wasn’t kissing you

@Titanic Captain – do you want Ice in your G&T

@ Himmler – I said extradite the jews…not exterminate
@ Mein Fuhrer – You’re using predictive text again Adolf.

@lancearmstrong – Lance you’ve tested positive at the tour
@patmcquaid – usual fee than
@lancearmstrong – American Express, that’ll do nicely

I’m sure you can come up with hundreds better than these
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

MAILLOT JAUNE · Joined: 06 Oct 2006 Posts: 1189

They are brilliant ss3 Laughing

_________________
"I trust no-body, not even myself"

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 6:46 pm Post subject:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

7. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen, she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."

8. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

9. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

10. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

11. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

12. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

13. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

14. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

kathy · Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 6:58 pm Post subject:

Oh dear - I love that, especially the Shakespeare bit!
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

kathy · Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:06 pm Post subject:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank mamager

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to

use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan..... His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
.You're singing it, aren't you? I know you are..)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, I know you grinned!!! [size=18][/size]
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

kathy · Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 12:30 pm Post subject:

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot?!"

********************************************************************
_________________
"You can't win races with passion alone."

Fabian Cancellara (2008)

chardon · Joined: 17 May 2007 Posts: 1815 Location: Ile de France

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in the US!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meet president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say 'How are you?'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'..

Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?'

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room....
_________________
Nothing compares to you...

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:57 am Post subject:

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir..." replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

------------------------------------------------------

Not for the dirty minded
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over.

*I hate neckties.*

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.

*Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.

*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

-------------------------------------

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment; and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,

"So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making resumed. This time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of passion. The love
making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping
bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish?"

"No!" she shouts back, "I Sveedish!"
--------------------------------------
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:58 am Post subject:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

--------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
It bumped into a pylon
10000 volts went up it`s arse
And changed it`s wool to nylon

-----------------------------------

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass and grabbed Jills ass
Now half his teeth are missing

------------------------------------

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

--------------------------------------

My wife and I were watching `Who Wants to be a Millionaire` which bores me, so I asked if she would like to make love, "No" was her rapid reply, so I said I would like to phone a friend.
That`s when the fight started.

---------------------------

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer

Amen!

--------------------------------------

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had $ex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry.
She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son.
Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore

--------------------------------------------

A couple leaving a Paris hotel were given a bill for 400 Euros. The man protested to the manager who reminded him that he had a room plus bath.

"But I didn't take a bath," said the man.

"I can't help that, it was there for you," replied the manager.

The unhappy man wrote something on a paper and presented the manager with a bill for 100 Euros.

"What's that for?" cried the manager.

"For kissing my wife."

"But I never touched your wife," objected the manager, angrily.

"Can't help it," said the other, "she was there for you."

After a week in a Marseille hotel, he was handed a huge bill.

Remembering Paris, our hero called for the manager and said: "M'sieur, you owe me 300 Euros."

"For what?" asked the manager.

"For making love to my charming wife, Ethel, that's what."

The manager suddenly became red-faced and nervous as he replied in a low voice: "Sir, not so loud, please. If you will come into my office, I will write you a cheque right away."
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 8:01 am Post subject:

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone."

------------------------------

Our tenth wedding anniversay was coming up very soon and I asked the wife what she would like, to which she replies that she would like something that went from 0-190 in about 4 seconds, so I bought her some bath-room scales.

Then the fight started!!!!

--------------------------------

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pee-er. I pee on everything..........the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pee-ed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Going to cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away'.

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab said....' Nope , I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

------------------------------------------

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of beans.

------------------------------------------

High School Science
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

Germinate, To become a naturalized German.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes its brother against brother.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:00 am Post subject:

Right you're all in bother, a mate has been in Afghanistan and has sent me a massive pile of jokes, the cleanest level of forces humour, you might have heard some already.....you have been warned....

---------------------------
A banker confused about maths, asks his blond secretary: "If I give
you $3 million less 17%, how much would you take off?"

She replies: "Everything sir.......panties , bra the whole lot!!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand
or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in
1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what
date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday
night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out
since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to
remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for
the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am
watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the
government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep
the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with
all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health
insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed
off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms
I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for
re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on
the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds,
my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed
between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and
me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask
me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working
there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to
activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary
backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away
from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get
another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the
tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all
the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the
same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather
have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then
find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you
know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are
enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at
the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed
me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while
he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work
for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get
someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

------------------------------------

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:02 am Post subject:

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday,
for 60 years..

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he
was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between all the Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up
in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to an effing brick wall!"

------------------------

A bloke walks into a Scottish library and says to the prim librarian:

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!'

------------------

Dear Applicant,
Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was:
'What do you like most in a woman?'
"My dick" is not an appropriate answer.
Thank you for your interest, and best of luck in finding a compatible partner.

--------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

-------------------------------

The angel Gabriel said to God

What you working on today? God said I`m making a place called Scotland, It`s goin to have stunning mountains with fast flowing rivers full of beautifull brown trout, the most beautiful lochs, a stunning coastline, with lush green land and fantastic blue skies and sunsets that will blow your mind, the people are going to be friendly and intelligent and I`m going to give them a national drink called whisky.

Gabriel said
Aren`t you being a bit ott with this Scotland? the people will think they are already in Heaven.

Na not really said God

Wait till I tell you about the neighbours

----------------------------

FOR SALE.

Complete set of encyclopedias, 45 volumes. Excellent condition £1000 ono. No longer needed. Got married wife knows ****ing everything
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:03 am Post subject:

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy and Murphy in the bar and Paddy says to Murphy, " Hey mate, haven't seen you for a while. Where have you been? "
Murphy says " I've been to university studying logic"

"Logic Murphy" says Paddy, "What do you mean?"

"Well, have you got any Fish " Murphy says

"Yes, I have some Fish " says Paddy

"Well, If you have some fish, then you must have a fish pond"

"Yes" says Paddy

"Well if you have a garden big enough for a fish pond, you must have a big house... a 3 bedroom detached house?"

"Yes" says Paddy

"And if you got a 3 bedrrom detached house, then you are likely to be married.... probably with some kids?"

"To be sure " says Paddy " I have a wife Mary and 2 boys Patrick & Daniel"

"Well.."Says Murphy, " If you are married, with 2 children then you probably have a sex life and you don't need to masturbate do you?"

"No" says Paddy

"Well there you go...... Logic! "

Paddy says, " That's amazing" he gets his pint and goes and sits in the corner with Shamus and says

"Hi Shamus. I have just seen Murphy at the bar and he's been to university studying logic"

"Logic" Shamus says, " What's that? "

"Well" Paddy says, " I will try and explain "

"Do you have any Fish? "

"No" says Shamus

Then Paddy thinks for a moment and says.."

"Ah..... you must be a w**ker then "

---------------------------

Paddy is sat on a bus when a young blonde gets on and starts breastfeeding her small child, she say's "Come on ,eat up or mummy will give it to that man sat over there", Ten minutes goes by and she is still trying to feed the child, she say's again "Now come on or I'll definately give it to that man sat over there"....Paddy look's over and say's "For ****'s sake missus, will you make your ****ing mind up,I should have got off three stop's ago!"...
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:06 am Post subject:

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp.">

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ....... at ze beginning."

------------------------------------------

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman go for a job at the SAS

The Englishman goes up to the sergeant and says, " Right, what do you want me to do?"

The Sergeant says, "Well, You have to be real tough to be in the SAS right?" The Englishman says " Yes sir!"

"Well here is a loaded pistol. I have put your wife in that room. I want you to go in there and shoot her dead!"

The Englishman says," Well, I have been married 15 years and I love my wife. I couldn't do that. This jobs not for me" .... and he walks off.

He says the same thing to the Scotsman and he says.. " I have been married 20 years and I love my wife too. I couldn't do that. This jobs not for me" .... and he walks off.

He says the same thing to the Irishman and he says " That's no problem. Give me the gun!".. and in the room he goes.

Then the sergeant hears, BANG,BANG ... BANG,BANG.... BANG. And then a load of noise with tables and chairs flying al over the place...

After 5 minutes of this, the Irishman walks out and says to the sergeant " You B******d! You could have told me they were blanks!....... I had to strangle the Bitch"

---------------------------------------------

My son said to me "Whats your favourite tellytubby"

I replied " probably the new Samsung 42 inch plasma you cheeky ****"

------------------------------

A drunk walks into a bar.he shouts across the bar to a group of lads "I shagged your mother"

the lads ignored him. he shouts "up the ar** aswell" still they ignore him

He shouts a third time "she sucked my k**b too!"

one of the lads stands up and shouts back "go home dad, your p****d
_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape

Slapshot 3 · Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:07 am Post subject:

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you,I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

------------------------------------------------

At last, Gordon Brown reluctantly decided to throw in the towel and resign.. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him so a senior 'Sir Humphrey' travelled from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum in York to investigate the possibilities.

"They do have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought railway consultant told the top civil servant, "however, these are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister." said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to Number 4472.

"But 4472 already has a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'The Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered." said the consultant. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then: let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the recent parliamentary expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant, "why don't we just paint out the F'?"

--------------------------------------------

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
But little Boy Blue with his horn.

_________________
It's just my opinion, if you don't like it....TOUGH
Look, I keep telling you I'm in shape...Round is a shape