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Nolte

*EXCLUSIVE* Entrevues de Moquerie: A Mistress of Tiger Woods

Disclaimer: Is there any need for a disclaimer as I've made up Gemma Hannigan


Entrevues de Moquerie
Interview with Gemma Hannigan

The Daily Jupiter

Today for your reading pleasure we have a special interviewee in Gemma Hannigan. Gemma Hannigan has had an affair with Tiger Woods and she has specifically came to The Daily Jupiter for us to tell her story and let the world know just what a low life Tiger Woods is.

This is the first in a series of interviews in The Daily Jupiter with women who have slept with Tiger Woods. We are still getting bucketloads of e-mails from women who answered our ad in yesterday's edition. Our count is up to 34,374, which is impressive as this is far more then our readership as we are just a trash publication and lucky that anyone reads us.

Daily Jupiter (DJ): So Miss. Hannigan, how did you meet Tiger Woods
Gemma Hannigan (GH): Well you know, he was playing a golf at a competition,,,,
DJ: What was the competition?
GH: a golf competition
DJ: could you be a little more specific
GH:gold, you just hit the ball and score home runs. There isn't specific competitions, you know.
DJ: Ok, when it comes to writing the article we'll just make up the gold tournament. Anyway, what were you doing
GH: working in a strip club.
DJ: Was he at the club?
GH: yes, he came in with a few of his golfing buddies i think.
DJ: Which golfers?
GH: What am i? A researcher? I just do things for money.
DJ: That's fine, we'll just make up some names and if they threaten to sue, we'll fabricate some more articles about them. That's cool.
GH: phew that a relief, you know. Some journalists i've tried to sell stories to, get caught up with having facts and reliable information and that's bad. People try to use facts to prove things, you know and that's a turn off to me
DJ: So any way, please let's stay focus and not go into that subject. did you know it was Tiger Woods?
GH: Course i did. He's the biggest golfer in the world.
DJ: Did you know he was married?
GH: Small things like that don't matter, you know. Married, single? It's all good as long as there is money involved.
DJ: Why didn't you break this story earlier instead of waiting with the other 34,374 women
Assistant: Correction, it's now up to 37,572 women have came forward. It's great what an offer of €25,000 for a story does.
DJ: A proud day for journalists like us that we can help these women to bring the truth to the world
Assistant: Yes, very much so. Do you ever feel dirty?
DJ: Well, it's like how the guy in Sopranos explained it. The first falsified article was hard but with each falsified article, it gets easier and easier. My conscience is now clear completely. I can churn out these false allegations and then claim it's in the publics interest to know.
Assista nt: Can't wait. I spend 2 hours every night washing the filth of working for [i]The daily jupiter[//i] away.
DJ: Also, another handy trick, when you are caught lying or fabricating, accuse the person of “hating freedom”. Works beautifully.
Assisant: Thank you, Mr. Nolte.
DJ: my correction. Why didn't you break this story earlier instead of waiting with the other 37,572 women.
GH: Well, it's simple, no one was offering me money for the story before, you know.
DJ: Ok, now to the issues our readers care about. Do you have a problem posing for pictures for [i]The Daily Jupiter[/b]
GH: None what so ever but nude pictures will cost you extra, you know.
DJ: that's fine.  
*gives her another cheque. She places the cheque in her women parts along with the other cheque*
DJ: though, i hope you don't mind but we'll probably use photoshop and enhance the photos. Do you mind
GH: Not at all, you know
DJ: That's what i want to hear
GH: I'm just happy i'm getting money.
DJ: And we're happy you are aswell. How about some golfing related photos. It'll fit in with the story.
GH: Sure
DJ: Anyway, we have still some time on the tape. Do you have a hero?
GH: The woman who's photos taken with Oscar de la Hoya in women's clothing
DJ: I thought those were fake
GH: So?
DJ: Ok I'll rehearse my lines “public interest” “freedom of speech” “why do you hate freedom” “you are a socialist” when questioned about authenticity of this article. Ok, good good. That's my mantra. It works better than my previous one, “chi ya”.
GH: So i'll have no problem cashing the cheques.
DJ: None whatsoever. Anyway, why did you get into stripping?
GH: Money. I was at community college and needed my tuition fees of €33. It was tough. Sadly i flunked the entrance exam. My typing skills were not up to scratch.
DJ: What was your problematic areas.
GH: Finding the keys. Whoever decided their positions? The space bar particularly.
DJ: How long have you lived in Utah?
GH: All my life.
DJ: And have you ever met Tiger Woods
GH: Can i take off my clothes now?
DJ: Sure, i didn't mean to ask you hard questions. My apologies.
Assistant: Interview finished, Phil?
DJ: Sure. Miss Hannigan, just follow our photographer and he'll see you right.
GH: Thanks.
DJ: Now Let's go interview some of the other women who want money for their stories of affairs with, wait i forgot, who are who characther assasinating this week.
Assistant: Tiger Woods.
DJ: And how many women have come forward.
Assistant: women are now at 38,142. However, tomorrow iu think we should take a chance with one of the 3,198 men who have came forward.
DJ: But, photowise it just won'r work. Our readers don't want to see that.
Assistant: Ok that's fine. But it could be sensationalist
DJ: and lacking in facts? Then we are in. We are in.. Any good ones
Assistant: Jávier Diaz looks interesting. We could also have some corny quotes about “latin fire”
Nolte

ok, i did revise the name in the article after combining the name of Penelope Cruz and Valerie Francis, I did a google search and there was alot of results so instead i combined Gemma Hayes and Lisa Hannigan

hopefully the title change will illicit some response.
Nolte

from the other places posted, 2 myspace friends thought it was good and another person on a messageboard told me i was going to hell for making up stuff Very Happy
kathy

I read it the other day, Nolte.  I think it's brillian!
Nolte

thanks Smile

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