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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12847


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:54 am    Post subject: Jokes  Reply with quote

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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sheeponabike



Joined: 10 Oct 2006
Posts: 3723


Location: France

PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:42 am    Post subject: Re: Jokes Reply with quote

kathy wrote:


**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************



Some good ones in there but this is hilarious Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Ralphnorman



Joined: 20 May 2007
Posts: 4323


Location: Dundee

PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice ones...this is quite bad so please don't take offence, its only a joke....
Renault have made a new car. It's got enough space in the back to lose your child. It's called the Renault McCann.

*************************************************************
3 cardinals are called in by the pope. he says " to become fully inmeresed(sp) with god, you must each commit a sin and then repent." so they all go away and commit a sin. the next day they go back and are asked what sin they committed, one replies " I robbed a bank" so the pope says he can drink from the holy water, a second says " i pushed an old lady in front of a bus" so he drinks from the holy water, when the third was asked what he did, he replied " i peed in the holy water"
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redster73



Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1509


Location: by the sea

PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to the zoo the other day. Only had one animal...it was a shitzu

Sad but I'm laughing still...
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grrr



Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 1245


Location: Guildford, UK

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"

The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
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MAILLOT JAUNE



Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 2556



PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is one of my favourites:

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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Ralphnorman



Joined: 20 May 2007
Posts: 4323


Location: Dundee

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

another blonde joke.....
a blonde walsk into an electrical store and says "can i buy that tv over there" the assistant says " we don't serve blondes here", so she walks out, she comes back later with a black wig on and says the same " can i buy that tv" and again the naswer is now, so she storms off and comes back in with a brown wig on and again asks to buy the tv, but the guy still says that they dont serve blondes, so she asks him "how did you know i was a blonde?", he replies " because that's a microwave..."
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Sooty



Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 4913


Location: Dear old Blighty

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:34 pm    Post subject: Re: Jokes Reply with quote

kathy wrote:
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


That's exactly how my Father carries on when my dear old Mum is cooking - and she's a very good cook is my Mum. "THE POTATOES ARE BOILING OVER!!!" is his favourite cry.
However if my Mum says anything when Dad's driving, he says "SHUT UP, I'M DRIVING!!!"
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Sooty



Joined: 08 Oct 2006
Posts: 4913


Location: Dear old Blighty

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ralphnorman wrote:
nice ones...this is quite bad so please don't take offence, its only a joke....
Renault have made a new car. It's got enough space in the back to lose your child. It's called the Renault McCann.


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Good one Ralph!
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 917


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true....

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that fucking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

Laughing
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CapeRoadie



Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Posts: 10191


Location: The sandy windswept peninsula

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha! Good one, Ventoux!

What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?



































A person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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kathy



Joined: 17 May 2007
Posts: 12847


Location: Formerly Hen Wlad fy Nhadau, now, Oliva, Valencia, Spain

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 1:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CapeRoadie wrote:
Ha! Good one, Ventoux!

What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?



































A person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.


Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Sooty



Joined: 08 Oct 2006
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Location: Dear old Blighty

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing
That's a great joke..... and previously told by Ventoux!

http://justcycling.myfastforum.org/ftopic246-0.php

Still, when a joke's that funny it's well worth wheeling it out again...
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 917


Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A college class was asked to write a short story, in as few words as possible; the story had to include the topics: (a) Religion; (b) Sexuality; & (c) Mystery

This is the winning essay....

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it"
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
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Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot....

A doctor walks in... "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness; you probably won't remember, but you were involved in a nasty car crash on the motorway, but don't worry, you will be able to walk again. There is one thing though, and I can't really break this gently, but your penis was chopped off in the crash, and we haven't been able to find it...."

The man groans, and is visibly upset.... but the doctor says "there is a little bit of good news though; you are entitled to £9000 compensation, and we have modern technology that means we can build you a new penis. It will be every bit as good as your old one, possibly better, but this doesn't come cheap -it's £1000 an inch"

The man looks a little relieved, and the doctor goes on "the thing now is for you to decide how long you'd like your new penis to be; I suggest you talk this over with your wife. If you only had a five-incher before, she might be a bit put out if you go for the full nine-incher; however, if you had a nine-incher, and only go for a five-incher this time, she might be a bit disappointed. It's important that you decide this together."

The next day the doctor comes back, & asks the man "have you had chance to talk to your wife?"

"Yes", says the man

"and have you come to a decision?" asks the doctor

"We have" says the man

"and what is it?" asks the doctor

"the man replies.... "we're going to have a new kitchen"
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redster73



Joined: 28 Apr 2007
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Location: by the sea

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing we even need a new kitchen!
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
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Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

redster73 wrote:
Laughing Laughing we even need a new kitchen!


I think that would be just too drastic a way to go about getting one.... oh, and it's made up - you wouldn't really get £9000!! Embarassed Embarassed
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ventoux



Joined: 09 Oct 2006
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Location: Ireland

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A SHORT LOVE STORY:

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both Very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

' I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f*cking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End  Laughing   Wink
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CapeRoadie



Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Posts: 10191


Location: The sandy windswept peninsula

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you write that, ventoux?
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Ralphnorman



Joined: 20 May 2007
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Location: Dundee

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CapeRoadie wrote:
Did you write that, ventoux?

or is that from life experience? Wink


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